Doing the best I can.
“Doing the best I can,” is my mother’s favorite phrase. The response can be useful in many situations, but I have found it to be a helpful holiday-strategy.
When my Dad died, my Mom stopped hosting family gatherings and my sister and I took over the responsibility. There were many dark holidays when we had to adjust to my father’s absence, the years that my Mom was going through chemo, and the lowest point when she had open-heart surgery the week of Christmas. We were not patient and would get frustrated if she couldn’t attend a gathering. We gave her grief about her lack of effort, when in reality, she was lowering our expectations of her. When you become a widow at fifty-three, battle two ‘bouts of breast cancer and then chemo destroys your heart, you learn not to bite off more than you can chew. She took our criticisms in stride, simply replying: “I am doing the best I can.” We may not have understood it at the time, but not everyone has it in them to host holidays. My mom deserved to step aside and let us serve her.
Last week, we served Thanksgiving dinner to my in-laws. We have hosted in years past but as our guests have aged, we now find ourselves “serving” them. A hostess plans an event and entertains her guests while enjoying the party. Todd and I were pings bouncing against pongs, as we tried to find the mysteriously missing green bean casserole, manage the salad and apple crisps that were being created as guests arrived, pour wine, make Bloody Mary’s, and keep the oven and microwave working overtime. It was such a circus that we found ourselves laughing hysterically when Todd channeled Chevy Chase and overcooked the bird. We had to explain to one of our guests who was an exchange student from Venezuela that American family holidays are not all like the movie Christmas Vacation. I couldn’t contain my giggles as I was eating dry Thanksgiving turkey one minute and then found myself singing happy birthday to Todd’s Great Aunt as we gathered around the rainbow cake my mother-in-law baked. No traditional pies for this holiday- we did the best we could with what our guests brought.
I went into our first holiday after a Pandemic-hiatus knowing it wouldn’t be picture perfect. I thought I had delegated enough of the tasks to others, but after taking last year off, I had forgotten the amount of work it takes to host a holiday. When everything fell apart, I was happy to have a husband who laughed alongside me, and encouraged the rest of the family to join in. The dry turkey became the star of the show.
With supply chain issues, shipping delays, travel restrictions, new variants, and to-do lists that are overwhelming, it is a difficult time to stay sane. I plan to keep my expectations low and remind everyone around me, I am doing the best that I can. Thanks Mum.
