Going on a Bear Hunt.
It is a myth that women forget the pain of childbirth. Our memory is not erased, we have just replaced heartache with the happy feelings we experience upon holding our newborn baby. Scientists refer to it as the “Halo Effect” and it has been proven to change our perception of reality. We are not wearing rose-colored glasses; we are highlighting the love for the new baby and giving less air-time to the pain of the delivery. I think parents do the same thing when they describe the joys of sending their first child off to college. They focus on the planning and the adventure of finding a school that fits, and less on the actual delivery into a new home or their arrival into an empty nest. The experience reminds me of the children’s story: Going on a Bear Hunt.
If you are not familiar with it, in the storybook “Going on a Bear Hunt,” the family heads off on their journey to find a bear. They try to make it a fun game, but after many exercises, they learn that they can’t go under it, or around it, they simply need to go through the squishy muddy parts to get to the end. Last fall, I asked my therapist how I could make the college transition easier and less depressing. She simply told me that I need to go through it. I couldn’t go around the sad parts, or over the painful ones, I simply had to wade through them. I found her advice helpful and tried to give myself time to adjust.
While I have felt heartbroken again this year, college drop-off was easier the second time around. This time, I know there is an adjustment period. I also realize nothing is final and in the past year, we all have learned how quickly things can change. The excitement of the adventure was preparing, packing, getting his dorm room set-up, checking out the campus and eating at local hot-spots. The squishy muddy part is not as much fun, but I imagine catching an actual bear isn’t either.
Ironically, just as I was getting my oldest off to college, my sister-in-law was giving birth to my niece. Sweet baby Jane was over nine pounds but my sister-in-law gushed into the phone about how wonderful and elated she felt about her new baby. She and my brother are navigating the joy of living with a toddler and an infant. I am not giving them any advice because they too need time to go through the mud and learn to navigate their own adventure. There might even be some times when they feel like they are living with a den of bear cubs.
Whether you are adjusting to living in an empty nest or a newly crowded den, it is going to be an adventure, so sit back and find the joy in the ride. Sometimes getting muddy can be a good time!
